Embracing your full self
Ah, emotions! These mysterious energies and sensations appear out of nowhere and drive what you do. It's tempting to dismiss them or to follow them everywhere they lead. At times, you may want to be a robot and not feel.
Emotional responses are like physics operating based on cause and effect that moves your body. They are informed by your wiring, personal and ancestral history, as well as social conditioning.
For example, let's look at Sally and Tom:
In childhood:
Sally and Tom grew up in different families with similar relationship dynamics.
When they were young, a parent lashed out every time Sally or Tom complained or expressed anger.
Little Sally interpreted it as:
"I should not complain or be angry because I will be punished or rejected"
"Angry people are scary and dangerous [like my parent]. I don't want to be scary so I better not lash out or express my anger"
Little Tom interpreted it as:
"Asking for things, as well as expressing vulnerability or dissatisfaction is weak and people will take advantage of me if I do it"
"People who yell are powerful and in control. Lashing out is the best way to protect myself, for example when someone threatens my reputation by complaining"
As adults:
Sally and Tom date. When conflict arises, Sally tries to be easy and suppress her anger while Tom lashes out.
Sally blames and doubts herself. She doesn't realize anger is a natural response to unsafe situations. She tries to be soft to not hurt Tom. This unconsciously rewards Tom's outbursts. Meanwhile, Sally's anger leaks out in passive-aggressive actions.
Because Sally's response is subdued, Tom doesn't experience the consequences of yelling. He doesn't know the extent to which his outbursts are scaring Sally and rapturing the connection. He often gets what he wants and the scared vulnerable part of him is largely hidden. At the same time, he worries he can't please Sally, is dissatisfied with her recent coldness, and feels tension in his body.
After months of appeasing Tom, Sally lashes out. This new behaviour scares them both. Sally is terrified of the angry part she tries to keep caged. Because she doesn't own her anger, she doesn't recognize herself and decides to end this relationship. She's exhausted of being yelled at. She's also uncomfortable with the idea of setting firm boundaries with Tom and feeling like "the bad guy" for complaining. Tom also withdraws - he's tired of Sally's cold behaviour. He no longer feels in control and is terrified of the fear he felt when Sally lashed out. He can never fully please her, so what's the point?
They break up.
Healing
After cycling through similar scenarios for years, Sally and Tom realize they need to allow the parts of themselves they had disowned.
They learn to trust themselves when they feel scared, protect and sooth themselves, seek reassurance from their partner when appropriate, and/or reach for outside help if needed. When they own their anger as natural and helpful, they're able to tell when someone crosses their boundaries and to respond assertively.
When their vulnerable and angry parts are both being heard, they respond more appropriately to the situation at hand; neither under- or over- reacting. This has a positive impact on their self-esteem, relationships and parenting styles.
In your life
Are there certain emotions you are uncomfortable with? Do parts of you make you feel powerless, out of control, blacked out, or like a bad person? If so, you may want to slowly and gently work on getting in touch with them.
Offer yourself lots of support and reassurance and reach out for help from a therapist or coach if you're new to this work and/or are getting in touch with anything deep or overwhelming.
This post does not condone harmful behavior and is not a replacement for therapy or coaching. Only delve into this healing work in a safe supportive environment - both physically and emotionally.
The examples of Tom's and Sally's protective strategies, and other such behaviors, can apply across genders and cultures. Every person's story and mix of defense strategies is unique and takes patience and time to learn, explore, and potentially modify.
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